Family life within the Family

The founder of the Family de-emphasised the institution of marriage from the early days. Although marriage was never condemned, or even discouraged, Family members are taught to see the marriage relationship as being subservient to the relationship each individual member has with the Family as a whole. Each husband or wife, therefore, promises allegiance to the Family before their loyalty to their spouse. In many situations, if a husband or wife considers leaving the Family, they know that it may mean that they are also leaving their spouse and children. The principle of the superiority of marriage to the Family as a whole over marriage to a spouse is known as ‘One Wife’ after the title of any early teaching on the topic. The application of this principle has resulted in numerous divorces, separations and remarriages, and even a number of polygamous relationships known as ‘threesomes.’ Many couples are not legally married, although there are no statistics available, and even the term ‘mate’ is often used instead of ‘husband’ or ‘wife.’ The de-emphasis of marriage means that there is little encouragement written on the permanency of marriage. There are a considerable number of single mothers in the Family, primarily due to two factors: the ‘One Wife’ doctrine, which justifies divorce and remarriage for a variety of reasons, and the frequency of children arising from extra-marital sex. Sexual fidelity within marriage is condemned as selfishness.

Sex

Family members are permitted to engage in sexual relations outside the conventional bounds of marriage. There have been a great many official Family publications written to address this particular topic, covering doctrine, rules, restrictions and various practical aspects of sex.

For example, there are numerous detailed rules specifying certain age restrictions. In general, young teenagers may not engage in sex, sixteen-year-olds may have sex with those close in age, older teenagers have a slightly expanded age group with whom they may have sex, and once a Family member turns 21, they may have sex with any other adult. There are also rules governing how to request sex, how far sexual contact may go, birth control rules, and rules regarding resultant pregnancies.

Please note that these are intended as examples only, and should not be taken as quoting official Family policy. It is not the purpose of Make Straight Paths to provide exact lists of current Family rules, as doing so would not affect the nature of the studies published. There is a lot more information on exFamily.org.

There have been some noteworthy flaws in Family policy regarding sex. In particular, the founder originally taught that children would not be harmed by growing up in a sexual atmosphere. These teachings were later retracted due to external pressure from various legal actions taken against the Family as well as evidence that some of its own membership had abused this so-called freedom, engaging in illegal sexual activities with minors. Current policy is one of no sexual contact between adults and minors.

Although Family policy is that sexual activity occurs on a voluntary basis, there is little to discourage sexual harassment. In fact, as the official policy actively promotes sexual interaction, there may be considerable emotional pressure upon Family members to comply when asked for sex. As the official teaching is that sex is an expression of God’s love, Family members may feel selfish if they do not wish to participate. Rape is not regarded as a crime in the Family, and there has been little effort from the leadership to investigate the serious allegations made by former members.

Men and women

The biblical passages that exhort wives to submit to husbands are never studied in the Family. To the contrary, the passages on the equality of the sexes are presented, together with the view that women are often more spiritual than men, and therefore may be more suited to positions of leadership. There have been many official Family writings sent out encouraging men to emulate some of the more feminine virtues, thereby putting themselves into a better position for ‘hearing from the Lord’. This has inevitably resulted in a number of dissatisfied men, and a higher proportion of male departures than female.

Children

Although children know who their parents are, they are also aware that all adults in the Home in which they reside have a measure of authority over them. All adults are exhorted repeatedly to take responsibility for all the children in their home, regardless of who the natural parents are. While this obviously builds a camaraderie and ‘team spirit’ among the home members, it also tends to weaken the individual sense of ‘belonging’. Children are expected to obey every adult in the home, or be disciplined.

It is true that children in the Family are generally well-behaved. However it is also true that there have been many allegations of serious child abuse perpetrated by Family adults who took advantage of the rules that all children were obliged to obey them. This abuse is alleged to have been of a variety of kinds, including physical (excessive corporal punishment), sexual, mental, emotional and educational. Please note that it is not the purpose of Make Straight Paths to address the nature of the alleged child abuse within the Family, nor to make accusations against any person. It is, however, within its purposes to detail daily life in the Family, which shows in a general way the consequences of Family doctrines. The above statements, that ‘Family children are usually well-behaved’ and that ‘there have been many allegations of child abuse,’ are anecdotal evidence only. Neither statement is verifiable without extensive investigation, and neither statement should be investigated without due reference to the other. If, as is the case, Family members attribute the good behaviour of their children to the way in which they are reared, which is itself directed by the underlying doctrinal principles set forth by the Family, then it is just as legitimate to assume that if any child abuse occurred, then Family policy was a major contributing factor. Please note that the authors of this web site are not claiming that ‘Family doctrine causes child abuse’. This is not the case, just as rules for good behaviour do not create ‘good’ children. However, Family doctrine plays an extremely important role in the day to day life in the Family, and therefore its influence should be examined carefully. The authors of this web site are of the opinion that an officially-encouraged, sexually ‘free’ lifestyle coupled with rules that enforce children’s obedience to all adults is an extremely dangerous combination. No safeguard can provide effective protection in such a precarious environment. An analogy may be that of a thousand school graduates who are allowed to drive high-powered vehicles and to drink alcohol, with the instruction not to drink and drive. Sooner or later disaster will occur.

Leadership

The leadership structure within the Family is quite well-defined, and each member knows their own place clearly. Family members are taught obedience to their leaders; that they are soldiers for the Lord and therefore should submit to their leadership as unto God, similar to the absolute obedience required in the military service. Many areas of daily life are decided through discussion and united decision, and there are numerous rules in place covering voting procedures. However, Family members are also expected to obey their leaders, whether those leaders have been elected (on a home level) or appointed (on a national or international level). The culture of obedience is such that suggestions from leaders are always taken very seriously. Family members are taught that God uses a chain of command within the church, and therefore the leaders’ ideas may in fact be counted as the will of God. Appointed leaders (over countries or continents) are only answerable to their own leaders, those at the very top level within the Family. The current leader of the Family (Zerby/Maria) is accountable to no one. Obviously, a system of authority without accountability lends itself to abuse. Anecdotal evidence includes enforced marital separations and confiscation of assets.

Daily life within the Family is built on the doctrinal teachings set forth in the official Family publications. The various rules that have been laid down (for example, the Charter) are attempts to codify the practical applications of the doctrine. However, when the doctrine is suspect, the effects in daily life can be traumatic.

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